The tale of a miserable failure

New idea (tm)

2008-01-30T14:20:00.000-05:00

If someone invented motivation pills i'd happily buy some. I've tried everything but I'm just not motivated enough. Man, its hard typing on this iPod... I'll write more later.

the return

2008-01-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

It's funny how there is little to say when life is going good. Not that anything's wrong; life just seems to have slowed down to a lull.
Oh I'm posting this on my touch so hopefully it works. I'll update more later.

Life Good, Me Bad

2006-10-19T19:26:00.000-05:00

You've got a girlfriend, someone who's there for you emotionally and spiritually. Unless she is a complete imbecile you can't be that bad off.

You may not think it from the title of my blog, but I'm not bad off at all. In fact, my life is nothing I can complain about. My girlfriend and I are going one year strong and as far as I can tell we are doing great. My job, tedious as it may be, pays well. I have great friends and I'm on good terms with my family. It's not really my life that I'm bummed about, it's myself! I'm the one who lacks self control and motivation. I am a horrible procrastinator as well. These are the things I'm trying to change. Could I be happy with what I have? Absolutely yes! But I can still improve myself, and with it, hopefully, my life as well.

Today was one of those mornings again. I had a hard time getting up and an even harder time moving around. I still haven't managed to do my exercise routine in the morning like I had hoped (but I did make it up after work). I was even 15 minutes late to work for no good reason. I'm working on that.

It won't be an excuse for failing my goals, but I am getting sick. My throat is killing me, my head is pounding, and I have that general sick feeling that overwhelms the body. It's usually things like this, things that break my normal routine, that lead to giving up on things I started. Once I get sidetracked I just tend to give up. I really can't explain it. But not this time. I will work through it, and I will keep my diet going, I will keep exercising and I will keep trying to wake up on time and get to work on time.

No amount of sleep is ever enough

2006-10-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

I woke up feeling tired. That's not really a surprise. No matter the amount of sleep that I get I can never seem to jump out of bed. I've tried a couple of things to fix this. I once tried to make a daily morning routine: I get up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, and make breakfast. I think it lasted for all of five days. I've tried getting more sleep. Over sleeping leaves me just as tired. I've even tried to gradually decreasing the amount of sleep I need a night. That only ended in missing days of work.
I wake up feeling so tired I never have time to do anything I need to. Today, I didn't do the exercise routine I started following. I did manage to make it up after work however. I was almost late to work, but I decided to trade packing a lunch for commuting time. I don’t have a real excuse though. The reason I ran out of time was because I just zoned out.
If only I could just flip a switch and hop out of bed, ready to do whatever the day brings. Hell, just being able to force myself to focus and do what I need to do would make me happy.

On the subject of dieting, I was bad today. I bought two slices of pecan pie and ate one. I blame it on my girlfriend. Ok, so that's not really why I bought it, but she wanted dessert and I'm too self conscious to admit I'm on a diet. So what do I do? I play along and get dessert too. I need a little more time to get used to the idea of dieting. I'll get around to admitting I'm on a diet sooner rather than later.

In the begining

2006-10-17T17:38:00.000-05:00

I feel silly starting a blog. I know that if it is like anything else in my life it will last a couple weeks and then forget about, or just give up. I guess that brings me to explain why it is that I am starting a blog: I'm unhappy with my life. I'm no expert, but you might even say I'm depressed. If you know me you'd think that isn't true at all, but I can feel something deep down inside that's telling me most of my life is not where it should be. So where is my life then? That's a hard question that seems impossible to answer objectively by myself. I can however point out all the things in my life that I wish weren't so, or, at the very least, were different. Let's begin with my inability to finish anything I start. I've started countless hobbies and not one to this has stuck. It doesn't stop there though. So far it's been an uphill battle trying to go back to school. I do well for the few weeks of class and then something inside of me is switched off and failure sets in. Trying to lose weight or excursive has been the same. I've tried at least a dozen times to start eating healthy and get in the habit of exercising regularly but, again, after a couple of weeks it's as if nothing happened. That brings me to my next point I: I am at least 40 pounds overweight and in the worst shape of my life. I can't run a few steps without getting short of breath and any work more strenuous than sitting down makes me break out in sweat. Eating healthy works for a little while and then I go on a binge. It's a terrible cycle that's gained me 40 pounds in just one year: I'm fat therefore I always feel tired therefore I don't excursive therefore I feel depressed therefore I'm fat. Yesterday I started the hacker's diet in an attempt to solve my problems. An attempt to solve my problems is exactly what this blog is for. Perhaps if I record my attempts I will be able to reflect upon what is and isn't working. I have this delusion that maybe if write my goals down, even if they are small, I can work towards completing them.